"i need a fix cos i'm going down....."

long long entry this evening,
i thought about a lot of things this evening at work
too much in fact
but anyway more about that later
for now
the headlines.......
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have had an ok half term
i havnt actually done a lot really,
mainly have been sitting in my living room, or at my computer with people
friday night, loads of poeple came around mine, which i didint really enjoy
saturday mark came around for a long time, basically we sat, talked, watched DVD's, went on the PC
that night was laurens party, which i really enjoyed
sunday
libby and ben came around
basically we sat, talked, watched DVD's, went on the PC
went to the pub that night, was quite fun after the pub
monday morning,
natalie came around
basically we sat, talked, watched DVD's, went on the PC
(i sence a pattern)
she was helping me sort out some things on piano
went to work,
polluted my head
came home
steve came round,
he's not long left
basically we sat, talked, watched DVD's, went on the PC
(.......)
and now, its now
my mum and dad are back 2moz,
i better make the house presentable
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i fucking hate my mind sometimes,
i have a cunthole for a brain
it makes me a contadictive bastard
i'm feeling guilty, yet, "no fuck off" then "well actually" then just "shit yea"
i was thinking about scott tongiht actually,
he hasnt pissed me off for a while, as i havnt had to look at him for a little while,
but thats not good, cos that makes me think,
"why dont i like him so much?"
no no that is shit
last time i thought that, he talked to me, patched things up
then the next day did exactly what makes him a wet dick
so that went out of the window again
i suppose it started when i watched the Danny doors sketch, where he was "george"
i thought, "that was good,"
scott seemed to be another person then
and now his is someone else,
it doesnt bother me, i actually couldnt give a shit really, but a long time alone on the butchary department, when all you can hear is the noise of fridges, you start to think
the thing is, i know i wont actually become friends with him again
i dont actually want to,
but then theres the part of me that thinks "right paul stop being a cunt, stop holding a grudge"
i wouldnt do it to anyone else would i?
but fuck sake i think i have good enough reasons
even if he doesnt think so, or doesnt remember....
i hate it when i feel unessasary guilt.
i havnt the slightest problem with saying what i think of him if he asked
i wouldnt hold back,
i would then want him to throw exactly the same back, cos well, i dont give a shit what he thinks of me, im actually curious
but he wouldnt, " i dont have anything bad to say about you"
somethig along the lines
but really
me calling him a cunt, and him calling me a cunt back, would be a fucking healthy thing
cos him pretending that he hasnt got a problem with me, just frustaites me, and makes me clench my fists
nothing actually is going to happen anyway,
i dont think he would come up to me and tlak in person about it all
i mean when does he?
i would be suprised,

i mean, its been about 3 times that i have stuck up for him recently, i think to myself, why the fuck am i sticking up for him?
but really if he doesnt deserve something, just cos i have a problem with him, he shouldnt get shit on about it
fuck sake, i hate shifts at asda, it does my fucking head in
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i have been thiking about things i have been told recently
too much information, i need to put it all in order,
but knoledge is power
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i was thinking about gary and lorraine tonight too,
fucking why?!
thats what i hate, things that i dont want to think about, things that i couldnt careless about anymore
pop in my head when i' at work
and i cant help thinking about them
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Bollocks, You heard me, Fucking grow a pair

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