Not thinking straight at the moment. Have probably got some sort of personality disorder, but i a aware of it. I'm not sure if i'm going to be able to explain myself very well, but i feel like i am very aware that I'm annoying, or being stupid, or that i am thinking stupid.
where as some people struggle, and they believe their darkest thoughts "I'm a bad person" "i don't have any friends" blah blah blah - when I know I'm not, or i know I'm not an idiot or that i do have friends - but sometimes its hard to believe myself

I find it really hard to talk to people at the moment. because they seem so disinterested.
and that could be one of many things - they're busy, they have a lot going on - or they are just not interested.
I think that is partially the problem - I don't have "that friend" not sure i ever have had "that friend" and by that its someone i can talk to about everything and anything.

for example i talk to someone about wrestling - i talk to someone else about marvel - another about music
etc etc. but i don't have that one friend - and perhaps no one does

except - I think i am that friend - to other people - which is to my detriment, as i don't seem to get it reciprocated

I really feel like i could do with a friend right now, but then there is part of me that doesn't want to talk to anyone

I will sit and listen, and I wont tell someone they are wrong, or I wont correct them, I'll let them vent
then when the shoe is on the other foot, I feel like, I'm being told I'm wrong, or i shouldn't feel like that or i shouldn't feel that way about someone else.
I'm spoken over, I'm ignored, I don't get to finish what I'm saying

I really hate it when you're trying to tell someone something, and they are heavily trying to get you to shut up - when you've just listened to what they have had to say and not cut them off. you can see that they either completely switch off, after they have been so animated and enthused by what they have had to say, they are clearly thinking about something else.
or the "wow", "oh right", "cool yeah" when you haven't even finished what you're saying

going ack to what i was trying to explain earlier on - I am aware of this, and i am not stupid enough to not realise that its me!

know your audience - i realise that i talk a lot of shit, I realise that i go on and on - and i realise that some times i guess that i am talking to the wrong person about something

it gets up my nose as i feel like I am a sponge to someone else's conversation, and they are like stone to mine

and again I'll admit - its my fault, I've made my bed
perhaps I should have cut lose some of these friends, they'd probably have liked that - not maliciously

there are times I which i think - people don't actually like me - and yeah i know that is a bit far fetched, and whenever i've mentioned it to anyone I've had the don't be silly things

I'm over that.....partially
and by partially, I now believe that not everyone, but a small amount of people don't actually like me, or are at least not very fond of me - perhaps the latter
and that's fair - you can't be liked by everyone - and i think accepting that, i feel better about things

I think I need to come with some sort of dosage instructions - because I read from others that i am too much - i am in our face and I am never giving up

and then when i have an episode where I realise that I have been overkill, i will drop off a cliff - and people notice

I don't know what the fuck i am going to do - probably nothing, as usual, and then eventually things will be ok again, and i'll forget about this until the next time

People are fucking rude some times

in case i am looking back over this in years to come and wondering hat the fuck i was going on about

we're in the middle of covid - I'm at a training session at work
I like to talk to people, and I want to/need to talk to people
people ignore my messages, and don't talk to me for days weeks on end
an then when they do, all of the previous unanswered responded messages above - are just ignored
I'll get un interested "righto" messages - dead end messages
pretty much fuck you messages
when I'm always here when they wanna talk

I'm my own problem

but people are fucking rude

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